Australian Gamer Feature :: Moustaches make the game

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Moustaches make the game

Starks gives his writeup of gaming characters with facial hair.

I was eating some soup this morning, and it had an interesting flavour. Although I was enjoying the tangy taste, I wasn�t as impressed with the slightly stale taste and the amount of hair I kept finding. Still, I guess that�s what you get for licking the remains of last night�s soup out of your beard.

Facial hair itself is the stuff of leadership. Indeed, as I�m writing this I�m sure Matt and Yug are considering elevating me to co-leader of Australian Gamer. My case is supported by the legacy of those who have worn beards in the past; Abraham Lincoln, Ned Kelly, Captain Jack Sparrow � All men of incredible conviction and leadership. Even Phil is trying to grow a beard.

I�ve grown rather fond of the hairy mass on my face even though I seem to have attracted a new moniker in the name Moses. Even so, I�ve come to agree with the Arab saying �

My research into facial hair has allowed me to become quite an expert, and I�ve even found some classifications on facial hair and was aided further with this schnazzy index of styles, albeit circa 1900.

I decided to have a look at a few of the gaming characters that can lay claim to a hirsute facial appearance, and was surprised when I realised many of my more favourite male characters enjoyed having their soup strained. As a result I have given them various ratings of �Man�.

Mario and Luigi (Mario Bros)

Our favourite Italian plumbers sport the good old traditional soup strainer. Role models, and indeed inspirations for Movember, the thick, bushy nature of their moustache isn�t quite a traditional handlebar, as if you notice the design is merely of a horizontal nature, and has no curvature down to the chin. It is also too long for it to be a �Hitler� style either, which has led me to believe that the Italians themselves grew it with the intention for it to be an �A la Souvarov�, but are sadly lacking the ability to grow long enough sideburns to complete the style. I do believe, however, this is a classical �Soup Strainer�, and was created to add some taste to the obvious poor cooking Princess Peach dishes up when not consorting with Bowser.

Rating - Typical Men

Zangief (Street Fighter)

In Soviet Russia, beard grows you! The famed Russian wrestler must have been cold and celibate in the Siberian training camp where he prepared for the World Warrior Tournament because that beard is designed to keep you not just warm, but away from anything female. Sure, he might have been making love to a polar bear when he worked out the spinning pile driver, but red scars on his body indicate every other woman he came across did grievous bodily harm to keep themselves away from that thing. Nevertheless, it�s some impressive growth and nearly out do�s the pelt on his chest.

Taking on a Hollywoodian appearance, Zangief�s growth flares like 60�s jeans at the jaw-line and indeed are longer at his chops than around his chin. It�s a mighty effort by the Russian, but I sadly don�t think it�s going to get him in the good books with the ladies.

Rating � Lonely Man.

Lynch (Kane and Lynch)

A good psychopath always needs to be distinguished in his appearance and facial hair is a more popular option than tattooing your face Mike Tyson Style. Indeed, Ivan Milat, Peter Suttcliffe (A.K.A. The Yorkshire Ripper) and United States Postal employee Patrick Sherrell all had bushy growth that added to their infamous reputations. James Seth Lynch, in keeping in line with his predecessors, obviously decided that he preferred the look of the dishevelled psychotic to give him the �mysterious� look that the women prefer and took the extra step of wearing glasses and growing a greasy mane that looks like it hasn�t been washed in several months.

He also wears what I class as the �modern goatee�, which is a shorter cropped and better maintained style than the traditional goatee itself. More often favoured by the metrosexual, Hollywood �heart throbs� and men who believe themselves to be �good with the ladies�, Lynch�s style really doesn�t suit his standing in society. As a schizophrenic psychopath he really did need something more... dishevelled, to match the greasy hair and madman look in his eyes, but still a fairly reasonable effort for someone who shouldn�t be allowed near a razor when he�s jailed.

Rating � Psychotic man.

Marshall Law (Tekken)

I�m fairly certain that Marshall Law has been growing that handlebar moustache since he hit puberty. Even at 48, I doubt that the man himself can fight his genetics and get his facial hair to grow longer than the 7 or 8 millimetres that he currently has outlining his lip. It really doesn�t look flash, and more like a black caterpillar has taken up residence on his face.

I don�t really want to comment more than to say that he�s giving a terrible, terrible impression off to our young gamers by perpetuating such a weak example of what a handle bar should be. It lacks thickness, and I would say is only there to prevent Namco from being sued by Bruce Lee�s estate for reproducing the great martial arts master in their game.

Rating � Impersonating a man.

Sergeant Major Avery Johnson (Halo)

After living in the shadow of Master Chief for his entire life, I suppose it was only natural for Sergeant Major Avery J. Johnson to grow a shadow. And really, that�s all the fluff on top of his lip is. I think I�ve got more hair on my ass than Johnson has on his face, and I really can�t classify what he�s wearing as a soup strainer. So I created a new category, and called it the �Soup filter�, because I doubt the stubble he has on his face could prevent thick chunks of meat from entering his mouth, or even allow him to store some tastier varieties for snacking later on.

He�s a bit of a disappointment really, as previous Halo�s saw a slightly longer and thicker horizontal handlebar being sported by the cigar smoking officer. I�d say this is the reason Bungie developers killed him off because the �mo is a big let-down to fans and a poor example to his fellow officers. An officer with such pitiful growth as his should not be in a leadership role.

Rating � Thinks and acts like a man.

Dom Santiago (Gears of War)

The future still looks to be a place where traditions are valued, as it appears Dom Santiago is sporting quite a healthy looking �Chin Curtain�. Dom�s fantastic growth is an inspiration to all Gears, and he really should be the head of Delta Squad as the bum fluff on Marus Feenix�s chin is not the inspiring growth a leader needs.

I�m definitely impressed with the shape as well. It obviously looks like Dom takes a fair bit of time in to get the shape and design of the Chin Curtain to look so straight and regimented. Big props to him for such a good effort, and I�m sure he fellow Gears both admire and envy what he has.

Rating � Respectable young man.

Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid 4)

Snake takes the word �grizzled� to a new meaning, and an old codger like him would look silly without some silvery facial hair. His �stache, whilst traditional, is thick and probably healthier than Snake himself especially after viewing some of the MGS4 trailers.

I honestly think that Snake needs a moustache though. I�m certain that while he�s preparing to infiltrate an area that he�s either smoking a fag (No, the cigarette variety) or pulling out his pocket mirror and combing his moustache. I like the thickness and the silver variety gives it him a venerable look. Altogether, growth I approve off, but he would have looked better if he had a closely cropped beard as well, giving him a �Sean Connery� look, although not quite the ladies man.

Rating � Respectable old man

Dr Robotnik (Sonic the Hedgehog)

Probably one of my faviourite soup strainers, Doctor Robotnik a.k.a. Eggman, sports one of the greatest moustaches ever worn by man. Requiring gel as strong as that which Cameron Diaz utilised in �There�s Something About Mary�, the thick and vibrant ranger �mo is both a triumph and a selling point. I have no doubt Robotnik must be player, as how could any woman resist such a charming and attractive growth? It�s the type of �stache that Oracle would go gay for I�m sure.

Still, that rodent Sonic and his fuzzball sidekick Tails seek to destroy poor Robotnik; Most probably because they�re jealous of what Robotnik can grow. To be honest, I don�t blame them I wish I could grow such an incredible and gravity defying moustache as him.

Rating � Impressive man.

LeChuck (Secret of Monkey Island)

The best of the best, Le Chuck holds the award for beards with character. Surpassing even Blackbeard�s famous facial forest, Le Chuck�s jungle is what all game characters should aspire to grow. I mean, Ganondorf might stop abducting Princess Zelda if Link had a beard like this. I�m also 100% sure that underneath his helmut, MC sports one monster beard and is the source of his power, much like Samson and his hair from the Book of Judges. Indeed, had the Elites sported a beard like Le Chuck, I�m sure they would have killed MC a long time ago.

Just by looking at Le Chucks beard, it�s hard not to tremble in fear at what is a fearsome sight. How a wuss like Guybrush Threepwood ever stood in his way is amazing. The fullness, the bushy nature and sheer size makes it one of the best beards going around. He definitely has the best of the lot. I�m sure in true pirate fashion Le Chuch has 15 wives and each of them love the beard.

Rating � Alpha male.

Overall I think the world of gaming needs more men with facial hair. I don�t understand why there are so many characters that are clean shaven. It�s just so unrealistic. I mean, if Duke Nukem had a beard, I doubt people would care that it�s taking forever to develop... Forever. My point is we need more characters representing the men out there with the capacity to grow a beard like mine. It just needs to happen!