Australian Gamer Feature :: Unreal Tournament III

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Unreal Tournament III

Brett and his leper friend Larry experience fun, friendship and lost fingers as they search for the true meaning of gaming.

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So, we�re both in the lounge room drinking light beer because we can�t afford full strength and I�m broke and Larry�s broke and basically no one has any money and everything sucks.

Larry is all up in my face asking why this writing thing I do still isn�t paying the bills and I�m all pissed off with Larry because he�s caught leprosy off his Auntie Murtle and now can�t go to work at the fish finger factory because one of his fingers fell off on the conveyer belt and rather than claim compo he tried to cover it up but there was a story about it on a current affairs program and he got fired.

Larry has this great idea about prostitution but I�m not so sure because I can�t afford beer let alone a hooker for the evening but then I work out he means pimping one of us out rather than buying a street walker of our own and the whole thing kind of makes sense except I need to be the pimp because I�m the only one with a pimp hat and he needs to be the prostitute except he has leprosy and I�m not so sure how many clients want a male gigolo whose penis might fall off during intercourse.

Brett And Larry Discuss The Positives Of Prostituting Oneself

The conversation continues and we decide that the next step up from prostitution may be to get Larry some sort of position in the gaming industry, maybe as a mascot or something like that. We think about it and realise that Nintendo has Mario and SEGA has Sonic but Epic doesn�t really have anyone except those blokes with big guns and big necks. Between us we reckon that maybe a leper with a diminishing neck may be a nice change of pace from those fat neck fellows and we might be able to sell the idea as long as we get some quality turd polish. Plus we both know that Epic has so much money these days that they imported all of their programmers a Taiwanese wife and can still ask Uncle Bill for two billion for the company. With that established we decided that it makes sense to visit the USA and see if we couldn�t arrange a meeting with Epic to improve our cash flow situation.

My cupboard has heaps of those old wire coat hangers than make excellent car keys for cars that you don�t actually own so Larry and I picked a car out of the local shopping centre car park and headed for the airport. Along the way we stopped at our car owners house and picked up their credit cards along with some nice luggage and some clothes for Larry.

The Visa maxed out after one business class ticket to America so Larry ended up flying economy, as he always seems to end up with no one sitting next to him on planes and busses anyway. There�s something about leprosy that makes people uneasy about getting too close to Larry and I imagine that the feeling he gets is similar to working for Atari. The flight was somewhat uneventful except for when Larry clogged up the bathroom sink when bits of his remaining fingers started flaking off. I think Larry may have flushed his fingers out of the plane somewhere over Singapore in an effort to get out of carrying the suitcase at LAX, but the jokes on him because you don�t need fingers to push a baggage cart.

Taking Some One Elses Mitsubishi For A Mitsuspinni

Clearing US customs is awkward at the best of times. Larry ended up being detained for some time for not willingly giving a fingerprint which I think was fair enough because who better to be a terrorist than a man who has no fingers to pull the trigger of a gun. Eventually we filled out the right forms and Larry and I stocked up on guns at the airport newspaper kiosk and headed out to see Epic.

Twenty four hours later and we are both in the lobby of Epic pushing for an appointment and the girl at the counter is being somewhat problematical until I told her that we were from Microsoft and our bags held two billion dollars rather than a collection of ladies panties that I stole from the house earlier. If anything, it was just a small white lie because no one got hurt, except for the lady that I stole the panties off.

To cut a long story short we finally get a meeting organised and I dress Larry in the suit we looted from our car owners in Perth. To save myself the trouble of being sued for liable I�m going to go ahead and change the name of the person we spoke to at Epic to �Mr Epic� from now on and I�ll refer to myself as �Lord Massive-Cock�. Larry will stay as Larry because at the end of the day he may be just a fictional character anyway. I didn�t take a recorder to the interview because I�m not exactly professional like those PALGN lads, but I can remember the basic gist of the conversation and I think it went something like this :

Talking Ball Bags With The Head Of Epic

Lord Massive-Cock : Thanks for taking the time to see us Mr Epic, before we begin with the presentation, can I ask if that is real carpet on the walls or just that suede wallpaper stuff?

Mr Epic : I understand you have some ladies panties or two billion dollars for us, is this correct?

Lord Massive-Cock : In a way Mr E, I have both. I have a leper here who I believe is the new face of the Unreal Tournament series, and this flaky gentleman could be worth more than two billion dollars if used correctly.

Mr Epic : Are they satin panties? Are they my size? How can a leper in a bad suit generate two billion dollars for Epic?

Lord Massive-Cock : In so many ways Larry is the persona of Unreal. Once he was relatively fresh and attractive, yet over time the good things seem to have fallen off him, only to be replaced with a cheap suit on the outside to cover the cracks. I propose that you pay us two billion dollars for the rights not to use Larry and thus not make any more Unreal Tournament games.

Mr Epic : How about lace, I like lace, maybe leather, in a thong or a T-String? You do know what a T-String is don�t you? It�s like a push up bra for your balls.

Lord Massive-Cock : Epic really needs something original. You�re at the point now where it�s really only the major sites that need the advertising revenue that are prepared to give you eight out of ten for remaking the same game over and over.

Mr Epic : I think I�d prefer something in a fuller back to hide my fuzzy arse. It�s one thing to be a man wearing ladies underwear but it�s another to get away with it. You definitely don�t need a ball bag falling out when your dancing the Macarena.

Larry : What I think Brett, oh I mean , Lord Massive-Cock is trying to say is that we are really surprised that no one high up in Epic seemed to question just why you needed to make another Unreal Tournament game. It makes us angry that you think so poorly of your customers that you are prepared to shovel the same shit down our throats year after year, just because you made a few tweaks to the graphics engine.

Lord Massive-Cock : Plus, Quake 3 Arena is still a better game anyway. It doesn�t have the broken camera and clipping issues that the new Unreal has, plus all your weapons except the useless bio glob gun are just rip-offs of that game anyway.

Larry : It�s faster too, and the hit boxes are better, and the maps aren�t just a succession of tiny rooms that make fighting such a hit and miss random affair.

Lord Massive-Cock : And the graphics are fine in Quake 3. I mean, you�d have to be IGN or someone to actually think that the graphics in Unreal Three account for anything other than an example that you forgot to hire some game developers.

Larry : I�m not so sure I want to be the face of Unreal after all, I�m sorry Mr Epic, but the deal is off.

Mr Epic : Thanks boys, just leave the suitcase at the door on your way out.

Discussing The Finer Points Of Getting Paid With The Epic Receptionist

Larry and I left our meeting with Epic feeling a little different to when we arrived. Suddenly, when working for Epic making a soulless seventh sequel to a game that was only ever �second best� anyway didn�t sound so appealing. Maybe the gaming industry doesn�t have to be about safely shifting enough units to float your bottom line. Maybe as a collective, the people who review games and the consumers who buy them and are passionate about our industry can say a hearty �Fark Off� to companies that continue with the shovelware of successive pointless sequels and remakes. Then again, maybe my ideas are as attractive as a Leper in a bad suit carrying a bag full of ladies panties and people will go out and buy another version of Unreal again anyway.

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