The Lord of the Rings: Conquest

Review from Brett - Wednesday, 29 July 2009 @ 5:58pm

Australian Gamer would like to advise readers that this review is rated [M]. It contains mild sexual references, course language and an overly elaborate and pointless writing device. Impressionable readers are advised to use discretion when viewing.

The Lord Of The Rings Conquest

A Mills And Boon Blaze Series Romance

CHAPTER ONE – ANOTHER DISAPPOINTMENT

Brettina sighed as she closed the front door of her modest London apartment leaving her date for the night unfulfilled and disappointed outside amidst the geranium filled front courtyard. It wasn’t that the night or indeed the company was without promise; it was more that this individual would never be the Mr Right that she dreamed of spending her life with. He was just too plain, and too unexciting even for her conservative tastes.

The next day, over lunch at a moderately trendy coffee shop in the Valley, her best friend Yuthilda quizzed Brettina on another date that was sadly without enchantment or spark. Brettina enjoyed spending time with Yugthilda, but her constant proposals of suitors began to wear heavily on Bettina’s heart. She wondered how much longer would Yugthilda continue to play matchmaker by introducing her to potential partners.

“I know someone who is perfect for you” explained Yugthilda whilst playfully flicking her feminine curly hair from her face. I promise that he won’t be anything like last nights date, in fact he’s much more refined.

“I’m not so sure Yuggy” smiled Brettina meekly “I can’t help but think that I may be better off just having a break from all this and concentrating on my career instead.”

“Nonsense” chortled Yugthilda, sending her tuna mornay flapping from her left nostril. “I’m sending over your date on Friday night, and you’d be well served to dress formally, as this gentleman is no less than a Lord.”

“I haven’t a thing to wear!” moaned Brettina, but she already knew Yugthilda’s reply before finishing. It was time for the two best friends to go shopping.

CHAPTER TWO – GIRLS GO SHOPPING

Australian Gamer would like to advise that Chapter Two of “The Lord Of The Rings Conquest : A Mills and Boon Blaze Romance” titled “Girls Go Shopping” has been edited from this review as it served no purpose at all except to explore the writers weird obsession with woman’s clothes. Interested readers may wish to purchase this extra content as part of the Australian Gamer Subscription Package by sending the relevant funds ($43.95) and a stamped self addressed envelope to :

Send Me The Story About Yug and Brett Trying On Ladies Clothes

C/O Australian Gamer

PO BOX 1821

Milton QLD

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CHAPTER THREE – THE LORD OF THE TURTLES

On the bow of his boat, Lord Conquest slipped out of his wetsuit, salt water beading across his manly chest. His work at Environment Assist allowed him both the resources and the drive to fulfil his dream of helping the endangered deep sea turtles of Albania. However, despite his yacht, his Ferrari, his widescreen TV and his TIVO, there was still a sense of loss in his life. He yearned for a woman to take in his arms and lay down on her back, like an Albanian Turtle. He dreamed of his manhood emerging from it’s shell and then retracting and then thrusting out again, at first curious about it’s surroundings, but then eager to be enveloped by the fulfilment of love. Perhaps tonight though, he would find his soul mate.

CHAPTER FOUR – SAVE MIDDLE EARTH … OR DESTROY IT

“You remind me of someone” remarked Brettina from across the dinner table to Lord Conquest, “Are you sure that you don’t know Dennis T Warrior?” she continued.

Brettina could see why some women would be attracted to Lord Conquest, but sadly, despite a decent first impression, she was falling into the trap of finding him to be another unremarkable date. Desperate to give him a fair go, she decided that it would be fair to make a list in her head of what she liked about her new friend, hoping to dispel the negatives thoughts that ate away at her.

His resemblance to Dennis wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, sometimes familiarity can be comforting and it wasn’t that he was an ugly man, in fact he was decent looking, apart from some weirdly grotty textures on some of his clothes. He definitely sounded the part when he spoke, although his constant one-track nature always seemed to return him to the subject of turtles. Brettina found herself thinking that he’d be a perfect catch for someone interested in his subject matter, but perhaps not exciting enough for some one like herself, who clearly wasn’t.

“Yugthilda told me that you loved socialising with other people,” mumbled Brettina, hoping to spice up a quickly unravelling night.

“I find engaging with up to 16 people can be rather fun” replied Lord Conquest.

Brettina perked up in her chair; perhaps this date would be interesting after all.

“But, unfortunately my employer, EA, only provides me the means to do this overseas, as they provide no meeting hubs to serve us here in Australia at all” explained Lord Conquest.

Defeated, Brettina excused herself from the table and headed to the ladies room, where she forced open a window using a spoon, climbed out it, and headed home alone. She felt bad for Lord Conquest, but ultimately she knew that he would find someone perfect for him, willing to overlook his flaws and love him regardless.

If only she could be so lucky...

Pros

Presentation and in particular audio is fantastic.
Solid tutorial mode introduces game play well.
Inoffensive and familiar mechanics work well to provide a fair and substantial title.

Cons

Online is slightly less than epic.
Character selection and move list is generic.
Game play can become very samey rather quickly with limited move sets.

Summary

Lord Of The Rings Conquest presents as a serviceable use of a popular licence and fans of the series or the genre will probably be satisfied with what Pandemic have achieved here. The promise of epic online battles however, falls flat for Oceananic buyers though, with no proved servers. Lord Of The Rings Conquest fails to achieve greatness, but is still a decent game, which in a culture of poor film cash-ins is a commendable effort.