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'Super Mario Galaxy' Review
by Phil

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NDS

22 May

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22 May

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PS2

23 May

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PS2

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I have a confession to make. It's hard to say this, and I know it will be just as hard to believe, but here it is.

I wasn't always cool.

I know it's hard to believe, but the 80s wasn't an easy time for me. It was in the 80s that I first got glasses, which as a kid is pretty much the social equivalent of having a facial tattoo saying "I like penises". I got called everything from four eyes, geek, nerd, loser, Urkle and more... And that was just by my mother. A cruel woman.

Musically speaking... things weren't much better. The first concert I ever went to was a John Farnham concert. Right up there on the street cred. The second concert... also a John Farnham concert. I would sing along to awesome 80s Christian Rock, while steering away from such bad influences as Samantha Fox.

But I do remember the music. There was a lot of music in the 80s, almost 10 years worth. Music that spanned a range of genres, styles, and subjects. Music that made you rock, music that made you weep. Music that made you feel strange in your young boy parts. Ahhh, Debbie Gibson, I had to wait 15 years, but I finally saw you naked.

Ah, such music, such music we had! A lot of it is famous, in a kind of celebration of camp and kitsch like Frankie Goes To Hollywood – Relax, or the collected works of Devo, but much of it is genuinely good, including some great work by Dire Straits, Paul Simon and U2.

So that being said, here's my question: Just how uncool was I?

The reason that I ask is that playing Guitar Hero: Rocks the 80s should have been more familiar. There should have been a lot more tracks that I knew. I was THERE. I remember the 80s. Was I that uncool that all the coolest music passed me by?


Where is Culture Club, Wham, A-ha? Madonna? Michael Jackson? Bruce Springsteen? Prince? Where is Robert Palmer? Where are the Eurythmics or Pretenders? Remember Roxette? (Ahhh, Look Sharp!, a call to action, a great album, and an eternal reminder that having a gap between your front teeth the size of a truck does not have to be stop you from rocking.) Where's David Bowie?

Here is a track listing for a "best of the 80s" album. The track listing for GH:80s shows only a single song in common: The Vapors – Turning Japanese. A scan of possibly the best selection of 80s tracks, the Wedding Singer Soundtrack, shows no commonality at all.

I know what you're going to say. "For a start, Matt, yes, you're so uncool. Secondly, it's about rock, it's Rocks the 80s. Dweeb."

And yes, GH:80s is predominantly 80s rock. I remember 80s rock. Of course I do. Bon Jovi got their start, Duran Duran their end, and U2 were actually good. Remember the days when Bono would make music and then shut the fuck up? Ahhh, good times.

You'll find none of that here. Not one. Neither Guns N Roses nor Def Lepard are in attendance. Have I mentioned that U2 aren't in there? Seriously. U2. Not there. Wherever they are, maybe Billy Idol is there too.

It's not all bad, of course. There are some great tracks. I Ran being a lot of fun, Radar Love still a great, The Warrior being an ideal representation of at least one branch of "rock" in the 80s. Of course, Turning Japanese is a classic and The Police represent with one of the rare non-metal/rock tracks. What I like about you. Heat of the Moment. Lonely is the Night. Great stuff.


And there's nothing wrong with a bit of metal. Anthrax is present (not that I care), and Iron Maiden's Wrathchild is an ideal addition to ANY GH game. Judas Priest are in the house, though not a song of theirs I knew.

This is a bit of a theme. I don't know a lot of Scorpions stuff, but No One Like You dinged narry a bell. I'm not saying Winds of Change should be in the game (save it for Whistling Hero) but at least I know it.

I regularly unlocked a venue only to see that I knew not a single song there. The other problem is a lot of the stuff I don't know and just plain don't like. The songs are boring. Who the hell are Accept? X? Winger? Limozeen? Why do they get on here instead of Billy Idol?

I know there are licensing issues, and not all songs I want can be on there. I know they focused more on the rock side. But I can't help feeling that someone cut costs by getting second rate bands, and not their best stuff. Guitar Hero: Rocks the 80s feels like shovelware. Rather than being just hard rock it should have a wider variety of track styles, especially at the end, which is almost pure metal.

They got the balance closer to right in GH2, and GH1 was spot on. The 80s rocked. Guitar Hero: Rocks the 80s doesn't. And it breaks my aging nerdish heart to say it, but I just didn't enjoy playing it.

Final Verdict

If you like Guitar Hero (and you do) you might want to give it a look, but check the track listing first, and see how much of it you know and like. Ultimately this is a question only you can answer. How well do you know your 80s metal? If (like me) you don't, you won't enjoy GH:Rocks the 80s.

Pros
It's the 80s. It's Guitar Hero. There ARE some great songs.
Cons
Reminded me how old and uncool I really am, inducing despair. Blatant cash grab with second rate songs. Homogeneous music choices, not enough variety to them. Pretty expensive for what's basically an add-on of music tracks. No bonus tracks. No "awesome 80s retro choons". Just metal. Where the hell is Billy Idol and U2?