Gran Turismo

Review from Brett - Monday, 18 January 2010 @ 11:34pm

PART ONE – KILLING IS MY BUSINESS

Once upon a time, around 2400BC there lived an Egyptian Prince named Sonius. He was a handsome Prince, beautiful to look at, but extremely cruel to his followers and in particular his slaves. He would often starve his slaves, giving them nothing but bread and water whilst they constructed his monuments and Pyramids of sand and rock in the hot Egyptian sun.

The Prince Was Handsome

Sonius was extremely wealthy but this wealth was handed down to him rather than earned. If one were to look closely at Sonius’ riches, one would establish that he had lost more gold than he had produced; a fact not lost on Sonius or his father who had been watching his Son squander his riches.

“You must stop being so mean and cruel to your slaves and produce something wonderful” said Sonius Snr to his Son. “If you do not consolidate your supporter base, you may be overturned like Atarefre or Snegfru one day” he continued.

“But Father” countered Sonius Jnr “Whipping and killing my few remaining loyal fan-men is my only joy in life.”

“Then I have a wonderful idea Son” Sonius Snr interrupted “We shall have the slaves build themselves a Pyramid tomb, then we can kill them and bury them in their own tombs, it’s the best of both worlds!” he concluded triumphantly.

“Fantastic” enthused Sonius Jnr “ Killing will be my business and business will be good!” and with that statement, the Egyptian Bard Chris Poland burst into the meeting room and played a mean solo on his Dumbek.

Poland Shredded A Mean Dumbek

PART TWO – DOES THIS PYRAMID MAKE MY ARSE LOOK FAT?

Construction of the small, single slave size Pyramid Tombs began at once. Sonius, being both mean and vain named them after himself. “Build your very own Pre-After-life Sonius Pyramid (PSP)” he advised his slaves, “then, when I kill you, you will return to Egypt as a cat or something else that is cool but also a little spooky and left of centre..”

And so, the slaves were reasonably happy, as everybody wanted to visit the after-life as a cat and shit everywhere and basically chew and scratch whatever they wanted even if it’s an expensive speaker or couch. Unfortunately, this happiness only lasted a few months as the living slaves started to notice the lack of increased cat numbers in the area after the first wave of slave killings and PSP burials began.

Unrelated Picture Of A Car Game

One influential councilman held a meeting with Sonius a few months into the project.

“Sonius, I believe that the PSP power may have been over estimated by you and your Father” he explained to Sonius “ I have not seen any of the dead slaves return to life as noble cats.”

Sonius was once again in an awkward situation. If he was to look foolish in front of the council, then his reign may be over. He had to come up with a plan, and quickly.

“Well” Sonius began hesitantly “this is because the Slaves have not been given the correct apparatus for the inside of the PSP. The PSP requires a killer apparatus for correct after life injection” he continued, gaining momentum from his lies “and that apparatus is a wooden turtle like the one I have here”.

Sonius grabbed at his old toy box, hidden under his seat and withdrew a wooden toy turtle. Of course, Sonius knew that this was no magical turtle with powers of the after-life, but he also knew that he could fool this councilman with his charismatic lies.

The Grand Turtle

“This is the killer app for the PSP” he announced triumphantly “The Grand Turtle!” and I will make one for all the slaves PSP’s as soon as possible. All they need to do once I have given them all one, is place it inside their PSP and eternal happiness will be theirs.

And with that, Chris Poland came bursting back into the room, wailing hard and opening the sky with a wild and whammy bar heavy Dumbek solo. Everyone agreed that Poland rocked hard and the councilman was fooled.

Chris Poland Also Had Excellent Hair

PART THREE – THE GRAND TURTLE

Five years passed, over which time no Grand Turtle rollout for the PSP units was evident. Slowly the slaves grew restless “We have spent all this time producing these PS Pyramids” the slaves would say “but they are useless without a killer apparatus like the Grand Turtle” they would continue.

The truth was that Sonius had forgotten about his Turtle lie for many of the five years that had passed and was now hurrying to piece together a much less grandiose vision of the Grand Turtle than he had shown the council man some time ago.

Finally, many years late, Sonius presented the Grand Turtle to each of his slaves to place in their Sonius Pyramids…But the slaves were far from happy.

“Why can the Turtle not accommodate more than four of my friends at one time?” said one slave.

“I thought he Turtle would be open ended” said another slave “why do I have to do everything in order, and why are so many of the things about the turtle so damn boring?” he continued.

“Why is my copy of the turtle better than the one you provided me?” explained another. “My copy has tracks on it that the one you have presented me does not”,

“What the hell has the guitarist from Megadeth circa 1989 got to do with anything in this story?” yelled another “in fact this is perhaps the worst review you have ever written, and I’ve read all of them, even the SEGA Rally review.”

And with those words, the slaves attacked Sonius, beating him with their thongs and footwear. As he slowly wilted under their attacks, he rued the day that he has anything to do with the PSP and the Grand Turtle.

Pros

You can now take Gran Turismo on a plane, or a train, or on a boat or on a goat. Eleventy billion different cars...eventually... The racing is ok and the graphics are pretty enough.

Cons

Superduper long load times and incredibly boring early races in under powered cars. Most cars sound like a chainsaw. Horrible progression curve. Cars randomly come and go from dealers, making it hard to get your favourite vehicle.