YOU'LL NEVER EVER KNOW IF YOU NEVER EVER POST
latest news
News:Lucky number 5
News:Enough with the guitar games!
News:Yellow, Emerald, Crystal now Platinum
Podcast:Yahtzee joins to talk GH4, SSBB, and out of control kids
News:GTAIV to give aussies an R rating?
News:Hookers, Halo and Fraud - The life and times of Ralph in Texas
News:Super Smash Brothers Brawl - Finally
News:Lego Indy Demo
News:Too Human Coming Soon - Finally
News:A guide to importing Rock Band
News:Blue Dingos rendition of Finish the Fight
10 Questions:10 Game Industry Questions - Rob Davis
News:He Was A Fattish But Active Man, Of Paralyzing Stupidity
News:IGN turning into RALPH?
News:If Nintendo had made Halo 3
News:Enough with the guitar games!
News:Yellow, Emerald, Crystal now Platinum
Podcast:Yahtzee joins to talk GH4, SSBB, and out of control kids
News:GTAIV to give aussies an R rating?
News:Hookers, Halo and Fraud - The life and times of Ralph in Texas
News:Super Smash Brothers Brawl - Finally
News:Lego Indy Demo
News:Too Human Coming Soon - Finally
News:A guide to importing Rock Band
News:Blue Dingos rendition of Finish the Fight
10 Questions:10 Game Industry Questions - Rob Davis
News:He Was A Fattish But Active Man, Of Paralyzing Stupidity
News:IGN turning into RALPH?
News:If Nintendo had made Halo 3
latest podcast
random quote
“I'm of the firm belief that not all gamers out there are stereotypical white pasty nerds with zero social skills. Far from it, the majority of passionate gamers I hang out with are the exact same people you would find out at the local clubs or dingy dodgy pubs along with the types who would usually look down on 'gamers'.”
'Brisbane Gamers Meetup 2'by Yug
most recent on forum
Your latest purchase by netjunkie at 1:10pm
Red Alert 3 by Ixnay at 1:09pm
Your ways of chatting? by Lord Halo Nerd at 1:07pm
My little Pon....oh wait... Condemned 2:bloodshot by Ixnay at 12:52pm
want by Ixnay at 12:49pm
Happy Birthday part 2 by netjunkie at 12:46pm
Air Hockey table potentially available. by Ixnay at 12:43pm
The Phantom Comic by Lord Halo Nerd at 12:29pm
Banjo Kazooie 3 Gameplay Video by itsapanda at 12:24pm
Happy Birfday by Lord Halo Nerd at 12:23pm
FS: WoW Burning Crusade CE - Never Opened by itsapanda at 12:20pm
How do you visual minorites? by Ixnay at 12:20pm
Podcasts by itsapanda at 12:16pm
What makes a good game? by Ixnay at 12:09pm
English Literacy in Aus by Ixnay at 12:07pm
Red Alert 3 by Ixnay at 1:09pm
Your ways of chatting? by Lord Halo Nerd at 1:07pm
My little Pon....oh wait... Condemned 2:bloodshot by Ixnay at 12:52pm
want by Ixnay at 12:49pm
Happy Birthday part 2 by netjunkie at 12:46pm
Air Hockey table potentially available. by Ixnay at 12:43pm
The Phantom Comic by Lord Halo Nerd at 12:29pm
Banjo Kazooie 3 Gameplay Video by itsapanda at 12:24pm
Happy Birfday by Lord Halo Nerd at 12:23pm
FS: WoW Burning Crusade CE - Never Opened by itsapanda at 12:20pm
How do you visual minorites? by Ixnay at 12:20pm
Podcasts by itsapanda at 12:16pm
What makes a good game? by Ixnay at 12:09pm
English Literacy in Aus by Ixnay at 12:07pm
upcoming releases
NDS
22 May
Apollo Justice Ace AttorneyPS3
22 May
BUZZ Quiz TVWII
22 May
Dream Pinball 3DNDS
22 May
Dream Pinball 3DPC
22 May
Dream Pinball 3DPS2
23 May
Silent Hill OriginsX360
23 May
Top Spin 3PS3
23 May
Top Spin 3WII
23 May
Top Spin 3NDS
23 May
Top Spin 3PC
23 May
Top Trumps: Dr WhoPS2
23 May
Top Trumps: Dr Whorss feeds
Australian Gamer Content - All
Australian Gamer Podcasts - All
Australian Gamer Updates, Reviews, Previews, Features
what's new
review :: conan
Conan
Reviewed on: Xbox 360Available on: Playstation 3, Xbox 360
This game has it all! The three B’s are abundant! Blood, Boobs & Bugs! Lots of Bugs!
Players: 1 Player
Genre:
Release: 2007-09-28
Genre:
Release: 2007-09-28
Developer: Nihilistic
Distributor: THQ
Distributor: THQ
A far cry from the big screen renditions, starring the likes of Governor Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Grace Jones and Mako, this game is from the Conan series of Comic Books by Dark Horse Comics, based on the character created by Robert E. Howard near on 70 years ago.
In this video game adaptation, we find our loin cloth clad hero working alongside a female character named A’Kanna – who is, as far as I can work out, the only woman in Conan’s world to own a piece of animal skin to cover her chest. Basically both these guys have a problem with a dark wizard named Graven. The adventure takes the pair across several different environments, including jungle landscapes, dark caverns, ancient cities - you even battle on the deck of a ship. These levels are graphically pretty, but they can also be slightly restrictive and quite often buggy, with things like moveable boulders just simply disappearing. David Copperfield meets Conan, right? Or is this some magical Off-World trickery! At times you may also find yourself caught in suspended animation, cracking a Jesus Christ pose while your enemies hack at you. Other magical elements include the ‘Magical Matrix Weapons’! It’s great! Just simply throw a weapon at an enemy, watch it ricochet off a wall and mysteriously float past you spinning in slo-mo!
Just a little bit of gore
On the subject of weapons, Conan has an array of instruments of destruction at his disposal as he progresses through his quest. Starting with his standard sword, Conan can collect weapons from his enemies as he defeats them. Picking them up from fallen foes, Conan can go about brandishing two weapons at a time, a sword and shield combo, a two handed broadsword or a bladed longstaff. Everything that Conan picks up can be used a projectile, this includes pieces of the environment, but this will never leave him bear handed, he always retains his original weapon.
As with most adventure type games, you have to collect something and this time it’s runes, which are exchanged to learn moves. Runes are found in treasure chests and by releasing bare breasted maidens from their captors (settle down boys more about them later). Now let me say that Conan has move moves than that mid 80’s Breakdance movie Beat Street! Just purchasing a move doesn’t mean it’s yours either, you need to master them by repeating the move over and over again, this then makes more advanced moves available to you. Moves are available for each different armed situation: single weapon, dual-wield, two-handed and weapon/shield combo. I found myself feeling like I was purchasing the same thing over and over again, but it was for the same move for various armed situations.
There are various levels of enemies which are best defeated by certain weapon/move combinations, which gets slightly repetitive after a while. Of course in a game like this, each area has a main boss. It’s a standard ‘life gauge’ affair, which is followed by a button combination, which you hit when it appears on screen, simple right? Well I found myself mashing away to drain the life gauge, only to mash one time too many and hit the wrong button when the ‘kill’ combination suddenly appeared. You miss that first button? Well guess what the life gauge fills up again and it’s back to square one.
Can't forget your zombie devil possessed elephants.
Not only are button combinations used for combat, but at times you will need that skill to interact with your environment. Rocks need to be moved, doors need to be opened puzzles need to be solved – Cav’s advice? Make sure your batteries are full in your controller. I had mine bail on me a couple of times mid combination, lucky I have bugger all hair to pull out, right? Every button on your controller is used in this game.
As I am about to type this, a sense of Déjà Vu strikes – Two review and two ratings rants, although this one is a little different to my last. I am actually amazed that this game was approved for rating. The front cover reads: M15+ Strong Violence – Blood & Gore – Nudity. There is a fair amount of blood in this game. Limbs are removed easily, heads cleaved from shoulders, bodies sliced down the middle from skull to groin, persons skewered then cast into the air, only to have their legs removed from their torso … but hang on, this is only ‘fantasy’ violence right? There is no way anyone will recreate this, thus being a threat to modern day society … so it’s okay. The ‘Gore’ can be switched on and off on the menu screen. This will reduce the blood to only occasional slight sprays and stop the removal of limbs and skewering of enemies pointy bits of the environment.
Hey, did I mention there are the topless, or should that read ‘helpless’, women? Every woman in the game, other than A’Kanna, is chained to a wall or post, screaming to be released … and she has her breasts exposed. I’m guessing the Big Guy would have just left them there had she not had her ‘assets on display’. What is also entertaining is the ‘gratitude speech’ given by each maiden after being released. Classics like ‘Take me now and crush me with your love’ and ‘How can I repay you?’ conveyed in such a sultry voice that my Navman car navigation system’s voice would be put to shame had me laughing. But the winner had to be: ‘My clothes? Where are my clothes?’ I mean really! You’ve been tied to the spot for like eight weeks and this has only come to your attention now? C’mon!
Hooray for Boobies!
I would also like to point out that Bendon and Berlei Bra companies would have an easy time here as all these women have exactly the same sizes breasts, actually it’s only their hair colour that changes – maybe it’s some Conan groupie with a great selection of wigs? - … and WonderBra need not bother setting up shop here as there is no such thing as an A Cup around these parts.
I’m just trying to imagine what this game would be like if there was an R18+ rating available to us?
In this video game adaptation, we find our loin cloth clad hero working alongside a female character named A’Kanna – who is, as far as I can work out, the only woman in Conan’s world to own a piece of animal skin to cover her chest. Basically both these guys have a problem with a dark wizard named Graven. The adventure takes the pair across several different environments, including jungle landscapes, dark caverns, ancient cities - you even battle on the deck of a ship. These levels are graphically pretty, but they can also be slightly restrictive and quite often buggy, with things like moveable boulders just simply disappearing. David Copperfield meets Conan, right? Or is this some magical Off-World trickery! At times you may also find yourself caught in suspended animation, cracking a Jesus Christ pose while your enemies hack at you. Other magical elements include the ‘Magical Matrix Weapons’! It’s great! Just simply throw a weapon at an enemy, watch it ricochet off a wall and mysteriously float past you spinning in slo-mo!
Just a little bit of gore
On the subject of weapons, Conan has an array of instruments of destruction at his disposal as he progresses through his quest. Starting with his standard sword, Conan can collect weapons from his enemies as he defeats them. Picking them up from fallen foes, Conan can go about brandishing two weapons at a time, a sword and shield combo, a two handed broadsword or a bladed longstaff. Everything that Conan picks up can be used a projectile, this includes pieces of the environment, but this will never leave him bear handed, he always retains his original weapon.
As with most adventure type games, you have to collect something and this time it’s runes, which are exchanged to learn moves. Runes are found in treasure chests and by releasing bare breasted maidens from their captors (settle down boys more about them later). Now let me say that Conan has move moves than that mid 80’s Breakdance movie Beat Street! Just purchasing a move doesn’t mean it’s yours either, you need to master them by repeating the move over and over again, this then makes more advanced moves available to you. Moves are available for each different armed situation: single weapon, dual-wield, two-handed and weapon/shield combo. I found myself feeling like I was purchasing the same thing over and over again, but it was for the same move for various armed situations.
There are various levels of enemies which are best defeated by certain weapon/move combinations, which gets slightly repetitive after a while. Of course in a game like this, each area has a main boss. It’s a standard ‘life gauge’ affair, which is followed by a button combination, which you hit when it appears on screen, simple right? Well I found myself mashing away to drain the life gauge, only to mash one time too many and hit the wrong button when the ‘kill’ combination suddenly appeared. You miss that first button? Well guess what the life gauge fills up again and it’s back to square one.
Can't forget your zombie devil possessed elephants.
Not only are button combinations used for combat, but at times you will need that skill to interact with your environment. Rocks need to be moved, doors need to be opened puzzles need to be solved – Cav’s advice? Make sure your batteries are full in your controller. I had mine bail on me a couple of times mid combination, lucky I have bugger all hair to pull out, right? Every button on your controller is used in this game.
As I am about to type this, a sense of Déjà Vu strikes – Two review and two ratings rants, although this one is a little different to my last. I am actually amazed that this game was approved for rating. The front cover reads: M15+ Strong Violence – Blood & Gore – Nudity. There is a fair amount of blood in this game. Limbs are removed easily, heads cleaved from shoulders, bodies sliced down the middle from skull to groin, persons skewered then cast into the air, only to have their legs removed from their torso … but hang on, this is only ‘fantasy’ violence right? There is no way anyone will recreate this, thus being a threat to modern day society … so it’s okay. The ‘Gore’ can be switched on and off on the menu screen. This will reduce the blood to only occasional slight sprays and stop the removal of limbs and skewering of enemies pointy bits of the environment.
Hey, did I mention there are the topless, or should that read ‘helpless’, women? Every woman in the game, other than A’Kanna, is chained to a wall or post, screaming to be released … and she has her breasts exposed. I’m guessing the Big Guy would have just left them there had she not had her ‘assets on display’. What is also entertaining is the ‘gratitude speech’ given by each maiden after being released. Classics like ‘Take me now and crush me with your love’ and ‘How can I repay you?’ conveyed in such a sultry voice that my Navman car navigation system’s voice would be put to shame had me laughing. But the winner had to be: ‘My clothes? Where are my clothes?’ I mean really! You’ve been tied to the spot for like eight weeks and this has only come to your attention now? C’mon!
Hooray for Boobies!
I would also like to point out that Bendon and Berlei Bra companies would have an easy time here as all these women have exactly the same sizes breasts, actually it’s only their hair colour that changes – maybe it’s some Conan groupie with a great selection of wigs? - … and WonderBra need not bother setting up shop here as there is no such thing as an A Cup around these parts.
I’m just trying to imagine what this game would be like if there was an R18+ rating available to us?
Final Verdict
Not a bad storyline and lot’s of fun if you like to hack and maim, but the game play is a little too buggy for my liking. I recall that at one stage the game was not due for release until early next year; maybe they should have taken that time to polish it.Pros
Nice use of button combinations to environment interaction. Some creative attack combos. Block/Parry retaliation attacks. Limb Removal count on the score screen at the end of each level. Ron Pearlman of Hellboy fame does a great job on Conan’s voice; Dwight (“Howling Mad Murdock” from the A-Team) Shultz also gets a run. Free Conan mini comic.
Cons
Bugs and glitches: there are just too many to be considered a solid title. Slightly short in game play length, although King difficulty level can be unlocked to add to replay value, but I personally can’t see myself going through it all again.