Dead Rising 2

Review from Brett - Tuesday, 12 October 2010 @ 12:20pm

Games Reviews! Who still reads them? I certainly don’t. They’re boring and full of big words that I don’t understand. And the numbers at the bottom that always seem to be an 8 or a 9! Don’t get me started on the numbers. There are numbers for graphics and sounds and game play and presentation and all sorts of things. Honestly, what the hell does presentation mean anyway? I honestly have no clue.

I considered writing a review for Dead Rising 2. Considering Jae sent me a review copy, I probably should have. I probably should have played it for longer than a couple of hours too, but I didn’t because I have the attention span of a potato. Screw it. I’m too old to writing reviews for video games anyway. I have more important things to do, like drinking coffee and eating little wafer biscuits and talking about the war. Oh, the sirens would howl and back then you couldn’t even get a wafer biscuit, unless of course it was Tuesday. But after the war, when the boys came home, we would stand on the dock and sing the anthem and throw peanuts. They were better times. They were times that were better. They were times indeed.

Of course, this leaves me in a quandary as to what to write to send through to Jae and Matt and the drunk guy who never writes anything anymore either. And whoever distributes Dead Rising 2 here in Australia is also going to be shitty if I don’t submit a review on time. Thankfully, I have an idea. I’m going to tell you all a story, about a chicken. I’ll call him Charlie Chook, because Charlie starts with the letter “C” and the more observant of you may read something into it.

Charlie was a chicken.

Quite a young chicken actually, who lived on Farmer Con’s chicken farm. He’d spend his days exploring the yard, always getting up to mischief. One day he waddled (young chickens don’t run) to the edge of the fence where the chicken farm ended. Looking across to the next farm, he saw a giant shed. It was big and grey and ugly and Charlie thought to himself, “wow, that must be what Lindsey Lohan will look like when she turns 60”. As Charlie sat, looking at the Lindsey Lohan Shed, his friend Chris the Chook came waddling over to talk.

“Wow, that’s a big ugly shed” said Charlie

“Yes, that’s where they keep the cage chickens” advised Chris “we are certainly lucky that we are free range chickens and can go wherever we want”

“But, we still have fences here” quizzed Charlie, “are we really free roaming and able to have fun doing whatever we want?”

“Sure we are Charlie” explained Chris “We can do whatever we want here and.....”

Suddenly, Farmer Con came up behind Chris Chook and sliced his head off with a giant axe.

“Holy Shit, That’s what Lindsay Lohan looks like now” Charlie thought to himself as Chris’ headless chicken body ran around the yard bumping into things.

That night Charlie found it hard to sleep. It wasn’t so much the trauma of seeing Chris being decapitated (Charlie thought Chris was a know –it-all ball bag), rather it was the mystery of his free range existence that haunted him. What fun was there to be had doing whatever you liked, if the penalty was so high and so unfair?

Charlie knew that he must investigate his feelings further. The next day he went back to the fence where he could see the giant shed. While he watched the shed, wondering about cage chickens, his friend Carrey Chicken came over for a chat.

“What’s with all this blood on the ground?” said Carrey

“Well” explained Charlie “Yesterday, Con the Farmer came along here with a big axe and chopped off Chris’s head”

“Jeez!” remarked Carrey “Chris could be a bit of a ball bag at times, but I don’t reckon he deserved that, and neither do we so I reckon we’d better get out of here before Farmer Con comes back with that axe and we end up looking like Lindsay Lohan”.

Charlie agreed, and before you could say “hey I was in Mean Girls and all you’ve ever done with your life is write stupid pointless video game reviews” the two chickens were on the move.

After what seemed like hours, Chris and Carrey finally made it to a safe point in the yard. “What fun is it to be able to roam freely if you need to go miles out of your way every so often walking for somewhere to be safe?” thought Charlie. He made a promise to himself the next day to head out to the big shed!

Early the next morning Charlie waddled to the fence overlooking the big shed again. But, when he got there, he found his Mum waiting for him.

“Mum, don’t be a vaginabag, I’m going to the big shed and you can’t stop me” said Charlie

“I know my dear” said his Mum “You are free to go, but please, just for your mother, have some breakfast before you go”

Charlie’s Mum stepped to one side, unveiling a massive breakfast. Charlie was a little hungry, and wanted to make his Mum happy so he started eating. After nearly 2 hours he’d finally finished. “Man, that massive delay in time before I could go visit the big shed was a real downer” he thought to himself “I hope I don’t have to wait like that every time I explore a new area around the farm!”

With the delay over, Charlie hopped the fence and walked across the paddock to the big shed. As he peaked around the corner of the door, he saw the most amazing site. Hundreds of caged chickens, laying eggs. “My god” thought Charlie “I should be impressed that there are so many chickens here, but they are all so ugly, it’s not such an impressive sight at all!”

And so, Charlie waddled away from the shed with more questions than answers. Sure his life was full of boundaries and delays, and rules but it was also filled with love and excitement. It was just as he slid under the fence and back into the Free Range Farm that all of this became inconsequential however, as Farmer Con’s axe slashed across his throat, chopping off his little chicken head.

Some may say that this story has no point and they’d be partly right. Maybe the point is to ask yourself some questions about your chicken existence. Maybe it’s just some really vague explanation of how I feel about a video game. Perhaps most importantly, we should all try and celebrate our lives, just like Charlie celebrated his. Let’s all toast a drink and throw some peanuts on the dock for Charlie, the brave, inquisitive Chicken whose story got me out of having to write another boring video game review.

Pros

You're not a cage egg chicken.

Cons

I probably don't get to review Capcom games anymore.