“It is a truth universally acknowleged that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must also be in want of a good rally game.”

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I wandered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume the internet did store,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my bedroom door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my bedroom door -
Only this, and nothing more.'


Ah, but through the door some mail, and without a chance of fail
What there was that I could hail was a game I could explore
Eagerly I wished to start – excitement beating through my heart
And fully knowing of my part to judge what had slid through my door
Alien versus Predator: Requiem, of this I’m sure
Only this and nothing more




As I loaded in the game, I did recall the movie’s fame
And this brand new title’s claim that it itself could offer more
As the screen did start to glow, there was no one who could know
That the game I had inserted would be nothing but a bore
That after I had played it I would play it nevermore
I would play it nevermore

The menu screen was dull and bland, and as I held it in my hand
I found in me a deep foreboding that I’d never felt before
And the game did turn to be what I had never wished to see
A really crappy movie tie-in for a handheld system’s store!
A tortuous monster of a tie-in that had dug in deep it’s claw
Heaven help me, I implore!

But soon after I had calmed, seemingly, as yet, unharmed
I delved further, t’was alarmed by what I had but to explore
There’s no choice you get to make, the levels have no gap or break
The linearity I found did force my jaw down to the floor
You simply wander round and shoot stuff in the hope of a good score
Only this and nothing more!


T’is a Predator you play, and as I waited for the fray
Waiting for the moment it revealed its blood and gore
When my rage began to rise, it came to no surprise
No surprise that the first level was a total utter chore
Introducing all the features that you surely will ignore
Where’s the exit, I implore




Many negatives there are, and you needn’t look too far
For the Aliens you spar against are slaughtered in their scores
Do whatever you might please, you will beat the game with ease
The lack of challenge when you kill is what I’d call a major flaw
Stand stock still within a level are you life will not withdraw
Something I find very poor

If its side quests that you seek, you may just shudder, scream or shriek
For there’s not even a squeak of variance gamer’s can explore
If I must repeat one thing, linearity is king
And the only distraction for you is to melt artifacts galore
Melting alien technology that is found upon the floor
For a meager few points more!

Different vision modes you use, employ, encompass or abuse
See your enemies through building, fortress, ceiling, wall or floor
See them crouching in the night, or else their body heat in sight
It’s a pity that this might just be a feature to ignore
Just a feature that the makers thought would be a tempting lure
It’s pathetic, plain and sure!

Honor points you are rewarded if your foes that you have thwarted
Have been murdered, killed, deported with the Predator’s own claw
If you do not feel more bolder, with a cannon on your shoulder
You can watch those bastards smolder, smolder on the jungle floor
But those honor points you might had got are lost forevermore
Are lost forevermore!

There are other points to note and I won’t holler, jeer or gloat
Multiplayer is for the desperate, and the graphics don’t cause awe
Fifteen missions are too few, and what I say next is quite true
I barely made it past the first before deciding to withdraw
Both target system and camera are two faults that could cause war
Turn it off, I want no more!




“Be this game the sign of ending!” I declared, not once pretending
The possibility of sending of a compliment, in store
Leave no high score as a token of the filth this disc hath spoken!
Leave my faith in games unbroken, for you are but one big flaw
Movie tie-in are the devil, handheld tie-ins, doubly sure!
Play this title nevermore!

And the title, never moving, not improving, not improving
Lies inside my bedroom in the second of my bedside drawers
And the package holds the seeming of a schemer who is scheming
With the inside filled to teeming with mediocrity galore
Here’s a warning to all of those who chance to see this game in store
Never buy it – that’s for sure!

Final Verdict

Aliens vs. Predator = Mediocrity defined: The fact is that this title is so middle of the road; it makes me hate it more than if it was a blinking obvious load of hogwash.

Pros
UMD makes a great coaster
Cons
Linearity akimbo