Too Human

Review from George - Saturday, 06 September 2008 @ 2:22am

Our dear Simon has tortured himself with one full hour of Silicon Knight’s spawn of fail. Too Human. But light some candles for my sanity would you, for I have played through 23 hours of this game. 23 hours. This is an account of the three days and four nights of throwing controllers across my room in anger and completing what is known as the year’s worst game.

There is for everyone a small amount of euphoria after successfully completing a challenging game. That same euphoria that leads you to tip Gatorade over your coach or throw the closest object to you in the air, temporarily forgetting it must come down at some point. I personally savor the moment by telling someone worse at that game than me I am superior, or I molest the confectionery section at my local Safeway. I’ve never been one to jump on tables or throw chairs after unlocking a 10G achievement on Xbox Live. I in fact keep myself at a 10 meter distance at all times from all CS players, as the average distance their keyboard will travel upon raging is 9 meters. This all ties into my main point you see. Which is Too Human has fueled a hate in me so strong I wanted to play Fable ( I really really dislike that game)

I see no point in trying to explain the overall universe this game is set in, as those who’ve played it have no clue either. This is solely based on Silicon Knights failure to deliver an interesting story. Sure futuristic Vikings paint an interesting picture in my mind. But the idea becomes trivial as you have trouble following who who is, or why Mr. X hates Mr. Y. Unless you’re a historian or Scandinavian Black Metal fan, the intimate references to gods and legends becomes lost. Leaving us with a action packed, violence driven game with 10% story. Basically any and all Michael Bay films.

The game’s controls vex me to no end. I’m unsure if it was their intention to have unique controls, or they were just designed by mentally a challenged goat, but they are well… they’re shit. Not Shadow of the Colossus annoying, more so 12 shots of bourbon while trying to play F-Zero annoying. They definitely lacked the fluency of most 3rd person genre controls. The left bumper controls your movement, the right your sword. This sounds simple enough, but a lot of complaints have arisen on the internets about them. I like to call these people a puddle of whinge, as it only takes 2 hours of playing to get very effective move patterns down. To better impress the ladies, you’re able to mash out a collection of Melee combos using both your sword and guns. As ZOMG cool as that sounds it gets droning after four minutes.

I know your mind is buckling under the sheer excitement of reading my opinions on the controls. I will only grant you one more reflection, which is more a personal attack at the designers than a opinion. Target locking. This is always a good addition to any game. Unless your target stays locked on the enemy after it is dead. Though we all enjoy poking sticks at dead things, further torturing something dead loses its charm when you’re surrounded by angry attacking enemies. This isn’t aided by the fact all you can do to avoid them is constantly jump as every enemy in this game is faster than you.

Hmm…You know what? I’m not even sure what it is that you’re fighting. Machines with a thirst for human blood, I think was slotted into a nonsensical cut scene. Why you’re fighting them isn’t explained properly either. But they all must die. Doors don’t open until every living entity is dead. So in essence you could assume killing everything in your path will unlock doors. No need to take up your pockets space with entangled keys anymore, buy a gun.

Each of the levels in Too human are quite lengthy. They’re basically a series of connected rooms in which you fight your way from start to end. This is possibly the worst game play I have ever experienced. All it encompasses is fighting large relentless numbers of enemies while you walk to the next room.

Oh, and you will die at least 20 times each 30 minutes. This is fine, the 90 second death scene until you can resume playing is not.

I’ve neglected to inform you of my mental status at that particular time. If anything in a 10 meter radius moved it was insulted, murdered then put in the freezer for future meals. Hey, petrol prices are high. I can’t afford to keep buying meat. But to elaborate on my impression of the game so far, I was a intense factory of hate. The constant barrage of enemies, repetitive tasks, annoying bosses and confusing story line was starting to eat away at my soul. My usual quiet nature was replaced by intense vulgar outbursts you usually associate with strange intoxicated men arguing with themselves on public transport. I was hoping the story would quickly become intensely interesting. No, no it did not.

I moved Too Human to our 32” LCD at one point, hoping in vain this would improve the game. Ten minutes in I paused the game to make cupcakes. 32 Individually iced cupcakes later, and after I was once again bored of this world, I resumed playing. This didn’t last long. While staring at the large robotic monster approaching me I had the sudden craving for Boost Juice’s Banarama Smoothie. I left shortly after. I returned, and played for 5 minutes. I paused the game frequently to address other issues. I can’t play this game for more than 10 minutes without my mind wandering. During fight scenes I would look away ( while continuing to mash buttons) only to realize I must pair every single sock I have together.

Ah, not everything about this game was terrible. Sure most was. But there were things I did enjoy.

The surface texturing and environment design are impressive. Large building supports that had crashed to the ground were dusted with snow escaping through the large cracks in the castle walls. Ruins scattered about had their own individual appearance that matched how they had fall or aged. It’s interesting to see the level of personality that was given to everything, no matter how insignificant it may be. For we, the players, would notice if it wasn’t there.

Aesthetically, this game was fantastic. I just wish they’d put the same amount of effort into some of their cut scenes. The music didn’t add or take anything away from the game. It was just a looped soundtrack, which sometimes threw in guitar. Actually very similar to the dramatic guitar build ups in Halo 3. Worth mentioning is though a level that very closely resembles Rapture from Bioshock. Nevertheless, at this point I was happy. This unfortunately only lasted for 2 minutes.

I can not even start to relate the joy when I was finally up to the last chapter in this ongoing saga of …well... fail. I was highly amused by Silicon Knight’s introduction of giant obese women aboard flying wheelchairs as this level's new challenger. My amusement soon turned into narrowed eyebrows and words that would make your sister cry.

I finished the game on an angry note. No achievements unlocked. Thanks Microsoft. The ending is coupled with a lengthy nonsensical cut scene in tow. Ironically it was my feet I was paying attention to, instead of watching a potentially important moment that could’ve possibly tied one of the twenty eight thousand loose ends Too Human contains. A quick search on Youtube confirms that it, In fact, did not.

Pros

Very well designed graphics and levels
Fun online multi player
You will lose the will to live playing this, so you might just lose that extra 10Kg you have from not eating anymore.

Cons

You feel the need to murder someone after playing it for ten minutes
The CPUs shoot at walls instead of at enemies
The enemies all rush you, they pay no attention to the CPUs on your side.
The overall plot seems rushed and not very well explained

Summary

Final Impression? I am highly sure this game was designed by a small group of ten year old boys. During a history lesson on Vikings at school one must’ve remarked ‘What if they had guns?’ To which the rest piped up and threw in some ideas. “ I think it needs a talking severed head. Oh and naked obese men in flying wheelchairs.’ Everything that they found interesting was adapted into the game. Several crudely drawn stick figures later, and we have a game design. I found this game so annoying and addling I paused it to do my tax return.