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ATV Offroad Fury Pro

Dearest Readers

This is meant to be a review of ATV Offroad Fury Pro for the Playstation Portable.

It is unfortunate that a game catering to the audience of dirt bike and ATV racing should pass through my hands, as the subject is abhorrent to me, and thus may be exposed through my review. For all I know it may be quite an enjoyable game and it seems to have a multitude of features and unlockables to extend longevity.

But, personally I would rather staple dead cats to my eyelids and kick-box against a starving bear than play this game further.

Readers of previous reviews of mine will no doubt know that it pains me to write a review for a game that is tedious at best to play. It hurts me to use up precious internet space on a game like ATV Offroad Fury Pro. Sometimes I can barely muster the strength within to put digital pen to paper.

But then of course my mind turns to the great writers of our time. Shakespeare, Edgar Allen Poe, and Truman Capote all struggled through times of adversity and pain. So too shall I not waste this space with normal derision, but through adversity, triumph over mediocrity, and create something of beauty.

I leave you now, with my review of ATV Offroad Fury, inspired by William Shakespeare’s famous Romeo and Juliet Balcony scene (for fans at home, that is Scene 2, Act 2 (Abridged)). The part of Juliet will be unknowingly and platonically played by a literarily manipulated Yug.

Cheerio!

Carl Gregory III (Esquire)

I'm the king of the world.....SPLAT!

SCENE – YUG’S APARTMENT

(Enter Carl, street level. Yug has just sent him ATV Offroad Fury to review)

CARL: He jests at games he’s never had to play –

But soft! What quality from yonder gaming breaks?

It is the rest, and ATV Offroad Fury is the dullest

Be gone, foul game, and flee the quality titles

Who are sick and pale with grief

That thou their worst are far more lame than they:

Be not called game, since they aren’t envious;

Thy unremarkable menu screens and long load times are but sick and waste

And none but fools do play it; cast it off.

(Yug steps out on his balcony)

It is my boss; O, it is Yug

O, that he knew what he has sent me!

He looks fearful, and yet he says nothing, what of that?

One of the most tedious titles in gaming

Having no business, does invade his eyes

To languish in his mind till he turns the PSP off!

YUG: O Carl, Carl, where art thou Carl?

Deny my request and refuse thy game

Or, if thou wilt not, be sworn by boredom

And you’ll no longer be in agony

CARL: Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

Sandwiched between two men...we've all been there.....right?

YUG: ‘Tis but thy game that is my enemy

What is ATV Offroad Fury Pro? It’s tracks are not engaging, nor it’s vehicles inspired

Nor it’s multiplayer options fun, nor it’s single player options alluring, nor any other part

Belonging to an interesting game. O, be some other game!

What’s in a game? That which we call ATV Offroad Fury Pro

By any other name will still bore as much

So ATV Offroad Fury Pro, were it not ATV Offroad Fury Pro called

Retain that horrible heavy metal soundtrack which it has

Within that title. Carl, doff thy game;

And of that game, which is no part of thee

I’ll take away myself.

CARL: I take thee at thy word.

Call it’s graphics but bland, and I’ll be new assured

Henceforth, it will never be played again

YUG: What man art thou, thus be screen’d in night

So stumblest on my council?

CARL: By a name I know what to tell thee I am

That game, dear sir, is hateful to myself

Because it is an enemy to taste

Had I it made, I would have cracked the disc in twain

YUG: My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words

Of that tongue’s utterance, yet I know the tone

Art thou not Carl, and a team member?

CARL: Both Yug, though the second rarely seen.

With hatred’s wings did I o’erperch these walls

For stony limits will not contain my dislike

Alas, there lies more peril in ATV Offroad Fury Pro

Than twenty Alien vs. Predator: Requiems:

Look now at my eyes,

And I am proof of its mediocrity

I desire quality’s cloak to hide me from its sight:

My life was almost ended by its hand

But my wish to warn the world of this game give my heart strength.

Jim suddenly realised that doing his yoga while racing was actually a really dumb idea...

YUG: Fain would I dwell on its form, fain not deny

What I have spoke, farewell compliment!

CARL: Wouldst thou withdraw it? For what purpose, Yug?

YUG: While it’s tutorials are as boundless as the sea

My dislike is as deep; the game I give to thee

The dislike I have is yours, and both are infinite

(From within, Yug hears Matt drunkenly ramble about his strong desires for Milla Jovovich)

I hear some noise within; Carl, goodbye

Coming, Matt! – Carl, stay strong.

Say but a little, it won’t come again.

(Yug and Carl exit)

(The end)