Duke Nukem Forever has become a the punchline to a joke. Not a very funny joke. A very long, kind of tedious, slightly annoying joke that isn't actually very funny anyway. Duke Nukem Forever is like the Everybody Loves Raymond of the games industry. I don't know a single person who cares but they're still making the fucking thing.

The best and ironicest thing about Duke Nukem Forever has got to be the name. Duke Nukem Vaporware must have already been taken. Duke Nukem Never Gonna Be Made wouldn't fit on the box. It's also a lovely coincidence (or is it?)(coincidence, I mean... its loveliness is not in doubt) that the initials DNF are used in races where a racer is crashed or breaks down and stands for "Did Not Finish".

It's iconically late. It's the game that no one actually expects to actually make, a game that just limps along, listless and pleading. If it was a racehorse it would have been shot long before now. In fact, if it was a racehorse it could have had a foal b...

Duke Nukem Forever has become a the punchline to a joke. Not a very funny joke. A very long, kind of tedious, slightly annoying joke that isn't actually very funny anyway. Duke Nukem Forever is like the Everybody Loves Raymond of the games industry. I don't know a single person who cares but they're still making the fucking thing.

The best and ironicest thing about Duke Nukem Forever has got to be the name. Duke Nukem Vaporware must have already been taken. Duke Nukem Never Gonna Be Made wouldn't fit on the box. It's also a lovely coincidence (or is it?)(coincidence, I mean... its loveliness is not in doubt) that the initials DNF are used in races where a racer is crashed or breaks down and stands for "Did Not Finish".

It's iconically late. It's the game that no one actually expects to actually make, a game that just limps along, listless and pleading. If it was a racehorse it would have been shot long before now. In fact, if it was a racehorse it could have had a foal by now that would have grown into a strong contender. Duke Nukem has been in development for so long that large mammals have had whole life cycles. Including me.

That counts in gaming too. When Duke Nukem Forever was announced there was not only not yet a PS3, but there wasn't even a PS2. The Dreamcast wasn't out. There was no such thing as a Radeon video card, or even a GeForce. 3DFX was the only option, and that was the cuttingest of cutting edge.

When DNF was first announced it was shown running on the Quake 1 engine. It's that old.

There's an awesome page that's been there for years, and keeps track of a variety of stats relating to the impressively long delay around Duke Nukem Forever. I'll just link straight to it now because it's hilarious. It was really tempting to link that to something disgusting instead, but I decided not to. You can (and should) read for yourself, but I just want to post some things before you do, because copying and pasting other people's work is so much easier than actually doing my own.

Gamey Things that have happened since the announcement of Duke Nukem Forever

• Every Final Fantasy game after FFVI - 34 titles all in all (including crossovers like Kingdom Hearts).


• The Grand Theft Auto series. Not just after III but everything before that as well.


• The entire concept of The Sims, Halo, Gran Tourismo, and Tony Hawk and other Extreme sports game


• Blizzard (also famously slow) have managed to release Starcraft, Diablo 2, Warcraft III and World of Warcraft, all with expansions. It's a race to see whether there's a Starcraft 2 and another expansion to WoW before DNF is released.

Things that happened in the real world in the mean time

• M. Night Shyamalan's entire career


• Britney Spears' entire career


• Every Pixar movie but Toy Story


• The entire concept of Harry Potter


• The entire of South Park (not quite true)


• On a more personal note since then I've been married and divorced. I've had three long term relationships since. I've had a son. My son is now seven years old.

Things that have taken less time than Duke Nukem Forever's Development

• The Beatles formed, released every single one of their albums and broke up. During this time they also toured the world several times.


• The United States' entire program to put a man on the moon, from Kennedy's challenge to the moon landing.


• The Wright brothers designed and flew the first airplane.

Again, take a look at the list, it's a funny read.

Duke Nukem Forever is famous for being late, but it's not the only game that's suffered from embarrassing delays. Some of those have turned out good. Some bad. Prey took nearly 10 years, S.T.A.L.K.E.R: Shadow of Chernobyl took 7 years to make( and 5 days to type), and Team Fortress 2 has only been in development a year less than DNF. That being said a lot is forgiven when a game actually comes out. That's kind of step 1. And while some of those games were not without flaws they're not egregious piles of stink either. Some others, though, such as Daikatana, ended up being a long wait for nothing. Some other titles stand out. Silicon Knights' Too Human is nearly as late as DNF, having started development only two years later and now being mired in legal wrangling with Epic over Unreal Engine 3.

The there are some interesting questions to ask the Duke.

How far along is he? All we've seen since 2001 is a teaser. Is that all they've got? I certainly hope they've got more than that to show for all this time.

Is it actually going to come out? Look at something like Starcraft: Ghost, sometimes someone just decides to turn off the respirator. Maybe for better or maybe for worse.

How much has it cost? I can't even conceive the cost of making something like Duke Nukem Forever. Even if it was all going great guns and on budget a game is expensive to make at the AAA level. After 10 years of development the game must have cost an insane amount of money. Is there even the slimmest chance of making a profit? It surely can't be possible.

And last but not least: will it any be good? When it comes out is it going to be... if not worth the wait at least Prey-like playable. My opinion? A game this beleagured and delayed has the same chance of being trash as... say... being born into the Spears family.

In a way I actually hope Duke Nukem Forever never comes out. I suspect it's better as a joke than as a game.