There are a lot of things I don't have in this world. Good looks, a car, a girlfriend... actually the first two are probably a factor in the last one. Of all the things I don't have that are tragic, the tragickest of them is probably the least "necessary". I don't have a games console. It's sad, but true. Despite running Australia's largest* and best* videogames website I actually don't have anything to play games on. I had three potential games machines. A Nintendo DS, not the Lite and Ezy, but the DS Phat, which I bought before they realised it looked like arse, and a PSP Phat and Hevy that I bought before they realised that making it infinitesimally smaller and reducing the battery life was what the PSP really needed to be a huge success.

I also had a PC. It's easy to convince people that I only played Deus Ex because that's the only game you really need on the PC. Though I also play World of Warcraft. Ostensibly (look it up) it's an excellent game that provides...

There are a lot of things I don't have in this world. Good looks, a car, a girlfriend... actually the first two are probably a factor in the last one. Of all the things I don't have that are tragic, the tragickest of them is probably the least "necessary". I don't have a games console. It's sad, but true. Despite running Australia's largest* and best* videogames website I actually don't have anything to play games on. I had three potential games machines. A Nintendo DS, not the Lite and Ezy, but the DS Phat, which I bought before they realised it looked like arse, and a PSP Phat and Hevy that I bought before they realised that making it infinitesimally smaller and reducing the battery life was what the PSP really needed to be a huge success.

I also had a PC. It's easy to convince people that I only played Deus Ex because that's the only game you really need on the PC. Though I also play World of Warcraft. Ostensibly (look it up) it's an excellent game that provides a great sense of community, and as the largest online game in the world is one that deserves our attention and participation. In truth, though, it's 8 years old and is the only game that will run on my piece of shit computer. That's not even true. It won't run anymore. It seems my computer is so old that its stats are actually dropping. Its losing processing capacity faster than Britney Spears. Fewer and fewer games run on it. In another 4 years it will be a Mac.

OH NO HE DI'NT!

I had a PS2 as well. That was basically purchased as a Guitar Hero machine. Apparently there are other games for the console, but it was $95 at Cash Converters (their new slogan "where you always pay too much" is catchy) and I didn't even bother taking the cashies price tag off. Classy!

Last but not least, I also have an old school Xbox. This is not only old-school, but transparent green, and is in fact a debug console. It also doesn't work very well and has to be wound up with a key in the back to make it start. It has a tendency to not work at all. On second thought maybe it's a 360?

Of the next/current gen? Nada. Zip. Wii-free, PS0, Xbox 360 not... having... at all. I couldn't think of anything clever. Sorry. Despite running a videogames website focusing on all the best of the current in gaming, I actually have not had any of the current consoles.

Now, though, I have corrected the situation. I went out and robbed a bank and bought a PS3.

Before anyone starts crowing about how the PS3 was a wise choice and I did the right thing and thus vindicated all the fanboys out there in fanboyland, let me just pop that little bubble right now. I bought the PS3 because I considered it a better investment in terms of review content because most of our reviewers have a 360 and so does Yug. If I actually wanted to play a fucking game I'd have bought a 360 and if I wanted to have any fun and make friends I'd have bought a Wii.

So I bought a PS3. I'm now in the world of the latest and greatest of generations.

Things pretty much went wrong for me at the start. I was served by a very attractive young lady who managed the games section at JB HiFi in Kedron. They were the only people still open 8pm on a Wednesday. (Heaven forbid I wait a day for what I want.) She was very helpful and chatted to me about the console and extended warranty for quite some time. I gave her my number and she laughed at me and threw it away.* I bought the console as the new bundle (console, a controller and a "free" game for $799) and was happy with my haggling skills. It was $788 on the sticker, but I talked them up. My one disappointment was that the cock Sony shove up your ass as an Australian purchaser doesn't come in the box. You have to mail away for that, so I'll let you guys know how it goes in 4 - 8 weeks.

The disappointment started straight away. The shop had inadvertently failed in their duty to correctly bundify me, and had sold me only the console and game, with no additional controller. A quick phonecall confirmed that in my infinite wisdom I'd left the controller on the counter, having been distracted by the shiny hologram on the side of a BluRay box. I hadn't been charged for it, and I hadn't gotten it. I probably should go and pick that up at some stage. As I have no friends it is kind of redundant at this point, though I probably should get it just in case someone decides to pretend to be my friend to use my PS3.

I got it home and set that badboy up. That whole process went remarkably well once I got disgusted with using their patented "worst text input ever" technology and grabbed a spare USB keyboard I had plugged into my computer. Granted the word "spare" was a poor choice. All the wireless stuff immediately connected itself once authorized and the console upgraded itself with no-mess, no-fuss.

I then began the process of downloading anything on the Playstation Store that was any good. It didn't take very long. I'd like to say that's a testament to the quality and speed of the Playstation Store servers, but it's not. It's just a testament to little there actually is on the store. I got all the demos I could find that weren't from the dawn of man, and gave them a quick play.

How about that Kane and Lynch, huh? Top game! I certainly didn't find it ugly as all hell, and filled with pointlessly juvenile cursing and unnecessary violence. I also didn't find the control system a clumsy and unworkable mess designed by inbred hillbillies! (You listening, potential advertisers? Please don't fire me.)

There were some jewels, though. I chose to buy Ratchet and Clank with the console, mostly because it would be more "kid friendly" for my son, but the demo of Uncharted made me reconsider that.

Genji was awesome... joking. GIANT ENEMY CRAB!

Devil May Cry 4 was the big new download and frankly bored my pants off. Granted it's not hard to get my pants off, but DMC4 really didn't do it for me. Why is it still "may"? Surely we know if he's going to cry by now. Judging by what a whining looking little bitch he is surely we can upgrade that to a "Devil Probably Will Cry" and then just drop the 4.

The stuff I liked most, though, was probably the free content. I don't care who you are, Rub-a-Dub rocks as much on the Playstation 3 as it does in real life. Though I can't help thinking that when you tip a container of water the stuff on top of it doesn't really slide around. What happens is the water stays flat and the container just moves around it. So essentially what you're doing is moving THE VERY LAWS OF PHYSICS and conceptually that's a pretty big deal. Kind of like with LocoRoco on the PSP where instead of controlling the small and devastatingly cheerful blobs you actually controlled the ACTUAL PLANET. Awesome.

Speaking of which, LocoRoco CocoRoacho is clearly worth the $5. That's a Happy Meal, people, but with better music and no diarrhea. Say what you like about it, the music from LocoRoco always did rock in a "fruitier than Scissor Sisters, did you say fruitier than Scissor Sisters, why yes I did, is that even possible, apparently so" kind of way.

EA's FIFA Street is surprisingly fun. I hate soccer games because I can't control the damn things, but by taking all the skill out of it the EA Big games tend to be pitched straight at my level.

Speaking of my level, I also played the Burnout Paradise demo with little enthusiasm. I loved Burnout Takedown. My girlfriend and I used to play it a lot back in the old days when I was worthy of love, and I have a lot of fond memories of that game. Burnout Revenge really didn't do it for me, though. Not sure why. Seemed to be missing something. I was relatively unenthusiastic for Burnout Paradise. The demo has changed that, though, as these things are supposed to do and now I'm quite interested in it. Interested enough to buy it with real cash-money if I can't get hold of the AG review copy.

Moving on from demos there's also movies. They're all crap. Well, not all, that should have an asterisk. (Note that word doesn't end in x.) The situation with the Playstation Store content has been best summed up by one of the better* journalists at AustralianGamer.com.



Beautifully said. I think Augie March and Bic Runga are the only people who weren't in some sort of bad television show.

The Playstation Store wasn't the only thing that hurt me in ways that normally take 5 beers and a cute blond girl I thought was interested but wasn't. Some of the stuff I was most fascinated by I simply can't get to work. Chief among these is Remote Play. I've messed around with my wireless network and my PSP settings until my head caved in and I just can't get it going. The other thing I can't get happening is a "Media Server". I've googled away and installed the software I need to make my PC an antique media server, but I'm getting a stubborn "No Media Servers found" message from the PS3.

The other issue is a bit more individual, and I've figured it out, though not a solution. When playing Ratchet and Clank I found that ever few minutes, for just a few seconds, the screen would turn blue. Like... bright blue. It's what my TV does when it hasn't got a signal, and the audible click from the PS3 every time it happened was quite concerning. I got quite adept at pressing triangle it ever happened, and then suddenly I realized what was causing it.

The PS3 sits right in front of the air conditioner. Every time the thermostat clicked in (note: clicked) it would kill the signal somehow. Note that this doesn't happen with anything except the PS3. I'm not sure (now that I think about it) if the same thing occurs when watching a DVD through it. So yeah. Lucky me.

If my posted "rant" here sounds negative that's mostly because... well, it is. But it's not all doom and gloom. I wouldn't have bought a PS3 if I didn't have faith in its future. Even though its past has been shaky and its present is less impressive than Paris Hilton's cleavage.

There really are some killer titles coming up, too. This year will see the release of Home, Echochrome, Gran Turismo 5 Prologue, Tekken 6, Soul Calibur 4, Haze, Metal Gear Solid 4, Endwar, GTAIV, Borderlands and, of course, Little Big Planet. To name but a few. Some of the fanbois will point out that many of those aren't exclusive. So? I don't want to stop other people playing, I just want my gaming goodness.

So I'm glad to be sitting pretty in the next generation, and of course, with me here now, it's the current generation. If you were wondering when that changeover officially occurs - I'm it.





* either subjective and probably wrong or an outright lie